Friday, August 10, 2007

Giant Lego Man eats Giant Plastic Muffin

So Lois has a lovely post about the giant Lego man that was found someplace other than the U.S. And now has a link to the mystery of the missing giant muffin.

I can't help but think they are related. The Lego man was hungry and hired some kids to steal a giant muffin. The kids didn't melt it. The Lego man has digested it, and that's what Lego poop must look like.

The Lego man is now a fugitive, and will be extradited from someplace that is not the U.S.

Also, I can't help but think of the GingerBread man in Shrek when the kids are being questioned about the Giant Muffin.

"Not the gum drop buttons!"

Thursday, August 09, 2007


Ouch. Really nothing quite like closing the bar on a Wednesday night. Now, Boston is a candy-ass town, and this bar closed at 1AM, but it is still fucking difficult to get up the next morning...

Which leads to my new guilty pleasure. I do not like that I like it. But I have started to enjoy Red Bull. I don't have them usually, but when I am hung over, they make the world a better place. Now, I'm not saying it's a replacement for coffee!! No. No no no. But it makes the bus ride easier to handle.

The bus ride. Ah. This morning's ride was something else. For some reason, it was packed. Now, I hop on the bus at the second stop. It should not be packed, and normally isn't packed until the fourth or fifth stop. But I was the second to last person to get on at my stop, and I got the second to last seat on the bus.

This did not make the bus driver happy. At the fourth stop, the aisle was full. Anybody getting on after that required a shoe horn. This means that the driver had to spend the whole time yelling "Push it back!" "Is there anymore space back there?" "We need to fit a few more"

Now all this is fine and good and even humorous from the standpoint of a hung over, Red Bull swilling, enjoy a good tirade kinda guy like myself. But there were two really magical moments on this ride.

First, we're at a stop, and he goes to pull into traffic, and some idiot cuts him off.

(Small tangent here. Do not cut off city buses. These guys work hard, deal with everything, are professional drivers, and can crumple anything else on the rode driven by non-professional drivers. They deserve better. Cabbies? Fuck cabbies. Bus drivers? Mad respect.)

So my already pissed off and probably hung over driver gets cut off. He leans on the horn. He then takes his hand (fist) off the horn. The horn stays on. And on. And on. He his now banging the side of the steering wheel, smashing the top of the horn, enraged face, the whole bit. But, of course, he's still driving. Right behind the guy that cut him off. I can only imagine what that dude was thinking looking in his rear view mirror. I'm guessing that he won't be cutting off anymore buses any time soon.

Now the horn didn't shut off for TWO STOPS. The expressions on the new passengers that were trying to board a bus that had too many people on it, with a driver that was madly pounding on the steering wheel while the horn was in perpetual ON mode...It was priceless. It was really just priceless.

So, this all happened fairly early in the ride, and all leads up to the second magical moment. As I said, the bus soon became too full to allow anymore passengers. But the driver still needs to at least stop at the remaining bus stops. As he's saying "Probably too full for you" to some poor soul at one of these stops, they shout back "Is there another one coming behind you?"

"Absolutely" he yells back.

"Thanks" says the poor soul.

Driver closes the door.

Then says "In about 10 or 15 minutes" and drives off.

I don't know if this driver was hung over this morning, like I was. But I'm pretty sure he's gonna be hung over tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Chants to keep you calm

The Red Sox have the best record in baseball.

The Red Sox have the biggest lead of all of the first place teams.

The Red Sox have a remaining schedule that includes a bunch of teams that the Red Sox have already beaten the crap out of.

The Red Sox have one of the best starting rotations in baseball.

The Red Sox have the best bullpen in baseball.

The Red Sox have one of the best fielding percentages in the AL.

The Yankees are the furthest back of any second place team.

The Yankees have a remaining schedule that includes a bunch of teams that have beaten the crap out of the Yankees.

The Yankees have one of the worst starting rotations in baseball.

The Yankees have one of the worst bullpens in baseball.

The World Series is won by pitching.

Barry Bonds is a cheater.

Monday, August 06, 2007


I am cattle. Moo. Eyes down. Move with the herd. Trudge. Bump. Shuffle feet. Moo. Clip-clop. Bump. Pack em in. We can get a few more in. Shuffle shuffle bump shuffle. Moo. Through the gate. Clip-clop. Shuffle. Up the stairs. Bump. Eyes down. Moo. Clip-clop.

Each morning, along with thousands of other Bostonians ( citizens...), I become part of the herd of cattle that is commuting. The bus is somewhat like cattle, although more like a prison transport. But the train. The train truly is herd mentality at its finest. Packed in like veal, so tight that you can't turn around. The only way to move is to look down and make sure your feet aren't stepping on somebody else's hooves.

Making your way through the gates...Reminds you of every show ever to depict a slaughterhouse. Livestock blindly finding their way through half a dozen turnstiles that a thousand other doomed creatures are trying to make it through, without understanding or dreadfully accepting what it is they are shuffling towards.

The stairs going up and out are both the worst and the best. People TRUDGE. They take one stair every three seconds. It is an agonizing plight. A daily death march. You are stuck in the middle of thirty to fifty people, half of which are begging the other half to just move a little tiny bit faster, PLEASE. And the other half is acting as though they are crippled and blind and will barely make it to the summit.

But that summit. That summit is embodies the best moments of my days. It doesn't matter if it's going to work or coming home. When I get out of those stairs, I am a rocket. I am a race car that have left the garage and landed on the Autobahn. The sun blinds me for half a second while I get my bearings, and then I am gone. Legs stretching more with each pace. All six foot two of me striding with the sole purpose of speed. Passing anyone and everyone that is around me. Smiling at the other race cars that have the same appreciation for this open highway. And slipping through the cattle that haven't figured out they aren't fenced in anymore.

It is freedom. It is escape. It is a period of victory between spells of living the life of cattle.

And those of you in automobiles? You go through the same thing. You just pay more money for it.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Animal Shaped Food

I'm enjoying lunch with a dude from work. Good guy, I just happen to have something I want to make fun of him about.

I get to the point in my lunch where I am enjoying a bag of Goldfish (think crackers, not sushi). He has finished his lunch, and i decide it is only polite to offer him some Goldfish. He declines. And explains. He has a thing. Since he was a kid, it has always disturbed him to think about eating foods shaped like animals. He gets grossed out by thinking about accidentally biting off their heads or biting right through their eye.

Of course, I instantly bite the head off of a Goldfish. But they are so small he doesn't notice.

(I would like to point out that this man has just finished devouring a pulled pork lunch special.)

Of course, I instantly start rattling off every animal shaped food I can think of:

Animal Crackers - Nope
Goldfish - Nope
Gummi Bears - Nope
Gummi Worms - Nope
Swedish Fish - Nope

What really got me about this was that I, as a child, and as an adult, specifically ENJOY the idea of biting the heads off of gorillas and giraffes. I would TEAR the heads off of gummi bears in grand dramatic sweeping motions, gnashing my teeth and growling maniacally! I would nibble their little paws off and make them dance around in the air without any feet. Many times attempting to increase the gore by biting off HALF of their heads...

Ahhh...Good times.

Anyway. He's a meat eater. Eats sushi, pulled pork, burgers, etc. But he does not like non-meat that is shaped like live meat. I think I'm going to place a gummi bear army in his cube some morning.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Henry Rollins Show

I'm not sure if anyone has checked out the Henry Rollins Show on IFC, but it is definitely worth the half hour it consumes. I've seen some fantastic interviews with people I'm actually interested in:

Larry Flynt
Christopher Walkens
Gene Simmons
Russell Simmons
Dude from Rage Against the Machine
Dude from System of a Down
A couple Iraq veterans
And a couple others that aren't popping into my head.

But a key to remember is that it's Henry Rollins interviewing these people! It is uncensored, and almost always takes a political slant that I usually agree with (not always). There's a "Teeing Off" segment right at the start of the show, then the main interview, then another short that is usually either Henry or Janeane Garofalo kicking some perspective, and that's followed by a musical guest. The musical guest does a one song in the studio, and then the show is done.

There is no studio audience.

I'm terrible at remembering the musical guests but I have seen Bob Mould (who is one of my fav's). The episode I saw last night had The Pogues. Holy shit. That dude was wasted. I should put a capital W on that...Fuck it. All caps.

That dude was WASTED.

He was plowed. He could barely stand up. You couldn't understand the words he was saying...and that was BEFORE he started singing: "Fuck Bush...something something rrrggrgrr..." His fingers were brown and yellow stained from smoking. His teeth looked like they had been knocked out in a bar fight. And his eyes had the classic red glaze of whiskey and Guinness.

I loved it.

The show is worth checking out. Set your DVR to record it. It's on a couple times per week on IFC. Usually, it's a pretty late-night program. Very enjoyable, and always leaves you feeling like you learned something, or want to do something. A little different from most programs out there.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The Joy of Getting Married

In case nobody has picked up on it, I am engaged, and my lovely bride-to-be has been planning the wedding. Happily(?), she has decided to include me in this planning, but not too much. Now, this is a very special time. Last night, I experienced one of the greatest joys of being engaged . It was truly wonderful, and memorable, and a fulfilling experience.

We went to a tasting for a caterer.

Oh, yes. Full bellies abound. I will try to recall the whole menu, as it was quite scrumptious. Of course, I won't know ALL of the ingredients because..well, because I'm a man.

Passed Hors d'oeuvres
  • Beef Carpaccio with spinach and marmalade on toasted bread
  • Tuna Tartar with some sort of sauce with seeds
  • Mushroom Bisque Shooters (yes, shot glasses of mushroom soup)
  • BBQ Duck with some green leafy thing served on some toasted bread thing

First Course

  • Salad, but not just any salad. This is salad that is spread out like a bouquet of flowers, even included some actual flowers that are edible.

Main Course (Vegetarian Alternative)

  • Some sort of veggie ravioli that was awesome. It was resting in a fine tomato broth, and served with asparagus, carrots, and some other long-ish vegetable.

Main Course ("Why wouldn't you get this" alternative)

  • Petite Fillet Mignon lightly peppered
  • Lobster tail buttered with lemon
  • Carrots..with something done to them that was fantastic
  • Butter Fried Potato Cake with Prosciutto


  • Key Lime Pie (we may or may not have a cake, and the key lime pie would be the alternative)

After the tasting, we went home and finally got to see the movie '300'. What an awesome night.